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CONTENTS          
0 Home
1 Introduction
2 Sex Please
3 Rome Antics
4 Rome Spell Neat
5 Kin King Klan King
6 Romana Be Public
7 Patrician Attrition
8 Appalling Gaul
9 Roaming Italy
10 Satiric Pyrrhic
11 Rome In Poem
12 Gods Be Lazy
13 Conclusion

 


11 ROME IN POEM


Chapter 11 of The Bloody Funny History of Rome tells everything you ever wanted to know about Rome but were afraid to ask. Everyday living it up describes Roman homes so luxurious that they kept one room decorated as a 'pauper's hovel' just for something different. Combing Rome covers mirrors, make-up, wigs, perfume, shaving and plucking about. Prostitution, masturbation, and fornication leave the Romans Sorely sexed and when Philaenis published her illustrated Sex Manual, the monk Clement noted, "It's easier to buy pictures of her labors, than those of Hercules'!" Wedded bliss could occur by sleeping together for a year, according to the Guidance counselor Plutarch, but drinking, poisoning the kids, or copying the house keys were all grounds for Divorced bliss. Childhood had a higher mortality rate than warfare, so only a Child hood survived. Skooling comprised learning pig-Latin via the Testamentum Porcelli (Piggy's Testament), and using letters for numbers so that a 10% tax would be X-rated. Rome ran on Slave power and deaf slaves drew a higher price because they couldn't eavesdrop, while the monster-market sold deformed slaves to seriously weird Romans. Doctored Rome included remedies such as inhaling burning dog dung through a reed, as an early form of smoking. Our Toga Party includes a complete illustrated guide teaching how to drape a stylish toga - I sheet thee knot!

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