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CONTENTS          
0 Home
1 Introduction
2 Sex Please
3 Rome Antics
4 Rome Spell Neat
5 Kin King Klan King
6 Romana Be Public
7 Patrician Attrition
8 Appalling Gaul
9 Roaming Italy
10 Satiric Pyrrhic
11 Rome In Poem
12 Gods Be Lazy
13 Conclusion

 


5 KIN KING CLAN KING THINKING WAN KING

Chapter 5 of The Bloody Funny History of Rome salutes the Seven Kings. Pompous Numa Pompilius found some Vestal virgins to light Rome's fire, with the motto: "Logs tossed, legs crossed." Hostile Tullus Hostilius quartered King Mettius Fufetius: "Met - Fufe - and duet Tius!" Anchorite Ancus Marcius spent his time praying, since he was stiff armed.  Prissy Tarquinius Priscus was a foreign king elected with the catchy campaign slogan: "Etruscan? Ye trust can!" Servile Servius Tullius was the butt of slave jokes, and an early victim of road-rage run down by his daughter's chariot. Superb Tarquinius Superbus also known as The Proud, The Arrogant, or The Bossy, is finally driven out of Rome (actually he arrives back from a war and they won't open the door) which ends the Roman monarchy. 

TODAY'S NEW CARTOON

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TODAY'S NEW MUSING

Bloody Funny Daily Message

SEVEN HILLS OF ROME SONG


Hear the SEVEN HILLS OF ROME SONG sung by the famous Roman emperor Nero in a rare recording from the Olympic Games where he won every event. Feel free to sing along, only don't try to sing better than Nero, because he gets rather touchy when he's shown up and has been known to execute his opposition!

LYRICS
If you’ll be a pal o’ mine
we’ll settle on the Palatine
and rape the women of Sabine
captive on the Capitoline.

The Albans are all alien
so lock ‘em on the Caelian
Latins just here for the wine
drunk upon the Aventine.

Posh snobs on the Quirinal
don’t queue for the urinal
while trees grow on the Viminal
to hide if you’re a criminal.

And buried on the Esquiline
are those that finally finished 
- dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyin’!

It should be noted that there weren't 7 hills, but about 13 hills in Rome, depending on what you classified as a hill and what was just a hump.

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